I was Hiding It So Well, Until “Allegiant” Came Along

My eyes are red-rimmed, my face pale. I stare at my reflection and it stares right back at me. Seriously? This is what I look like after finally finishing “Divergent” trilogy? I look like a mess. I look distraught, like some guy I loved left me to eat his dust. Or like someone just told me that I have to move out because I didn’t pay the rent on time. (There is nothing worse than not having a roof above your head, a place to call your own, I think.)

WARNING: If you have plans of reading “Allegiant“, the book three of “Divergent” trilogy, do not read ahead. Actually, just stop reading this post. Go somewhere else. Read this blog post instead or this current one if you want to time travel. Thanks.

>> The part wherein I react to the book’s ending, a.k.a. The start of a spoiler. You can run away now if you don’t want one.<<

I cannot believe Tris and Tobias do not get a happy ending. That’s actually one of the main reasons I started with the book! I watched the “Divergent” movie first and the relationship of the two was something that appealed to me, right along with the whole Dauntless training and the concept of the five factions. So I eagerly (and promptly) got my hands on all three books, finishing them in the span of a week. (I know, I got lazy with book three.)

I have something to confess: While nearing the middle of “Allegiant” (book three), I couldn’t help myself. I jumped straight to the last few pages. I wanted to see Tris and Tobias’ triumphant ending. Except. EXCEPT I saw a line where Caleb said to Tobias that before she died — I stopped there, sucked in my breath. I thought the whole world had stopped with me, forgetting to rotate in its axis as an act of commiseration with me. It took a few seconds before it occurred to me that the “she” Caleb was talking about was probably Tris. NO! A voice in my head screamed in agony. No, no, no, NO. This can’t be happening. I probably just got it all wrong. I read some more, just to confirm that I was being silly. But nope, Tris DID die. At that time, I didn’t know how but I went on and read Tobias’ point of view. And that’s when I suddenly found it difficult to swallow. A lump in my throat had suddenly just sat there, in sync with the tears gathering in my eyes.

crying_bwI couldn’t bring myself to read the book again after that. It took me a day to get back to reading it. And read it I did, picking up where I last left off, from that part where Caleb volunteered to die right until the end of the book. Now I know how Tris died. And I read that Tobias part again. And again I cried. I cried while reading it. I wanted to punch myself. I rarely cry but when I do, I choose the oddest, craziest reasons to cry about.

I like Tobias’ character. A LOT. He’s been through so much as a little boy, carrying those horrible memories with him right up until he grew older. Then he met Tris and things changed for him. He suddenly had a good reason to live and fight. Only in the end to have it taken away from him. I will not dabble into pop pscyhology about it. Although the old adage “Everything happens for a reason.” does pop into mind. That and the thought that maybe Tobias needed Tris to see life and himself in a different light. Tris made him see and feel everything differently. Maybe the time has come for him to stand on his own because he is strong enough to do so. That doesn’t make it any easier, though. I still wanted him to have a happy ending with Tris. I wonder how they’ll end the movie. I have searched online and let me just say this: I’m glad (and comforted) to know that I wasn’t the only one crushed by (and cried over) the trilogy’s ending. There were other ways to make Tris choose to be selfless. I felt no sense of triumph with how the “Divergent” trilogy ended, just this hollow, aching feeling inside me.

crying_angryI’m thinking of getting “Four: A Divergent Collection” book. Like I said, Tobias is my favorite character. It would be great to see more of his points of view and experiences as an Abnegation and then a Dauntless. I also want to read about Tris, in his eyes and voice: What it was like to see Tris for the first time, then being around her during Dauntless training and eventually actually being with her.

Apparently, I’m a closet romantic.

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