“I’ll be damned, Cupid’s demanding back his arrow”
For weeks, I needed the time to catch my breath because, you know, FEELINGS. Okay, I know I said I’ll be braver and more courageous about that, but I think… well, baby steps, amiright? 😀 For now, it’s enough that I said what I wanted to say and that I did not expect anything in return. The things — consequences, if you will — that followed after that are things I had to deal with and accept, but at a time where I’m okay again. I think I’m okay now. I wish I could say the same for the other person. *sigh* (Poor person. It’s like I threw a grenade at the doorstep without warning. I’m really sorry about that.)
I’ve mentioned in the past that things change us before we are even aware of it. And if my life has been nothing but epiphanies since November of last year, then it would be a shame to not grow from those experiences and apply the lessons I’ve learned about life and love. Well, Cupid, here’s your arrow. You have won. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?
“But don’t you dare let our best memories bring you sorrow”
Slowly, I am learning to not run away. “Slowly” being the operative word there. (Admittedly, I still resort to it. Like I said: baby steps.) When the urge to do so hits me, I give myself a little pep talk. You know, the usual things like “You can do this.” or “You need to face the music.” Sometimes, some rare desperate times, I tell myself, “You’ll become [insert name of someone I dislike] if you don’t face this. You’ll become exactly like [name of that certain someone].” That usually works because there is nothing scarier than turning into the same person that you dislike. The very same one. *shudder* And so I have learned (albeit slowly) to just… deal with things, instead of running away and then coming back at a later time when I know I am composed enough to face it. Okay, okay. I know I’ve done that very same thing recently but… well, it involved feelings. I’m still trying to adjust that part of myself. I mean, the last time I handled feelings, it blew up in my face. I used to be proud of myself for that, thinking, “Hey, I was finally able to love fearlessly and fiercely. I was able to love with everything I have.” I was proud of that until some time late March. BUT the good news is that at least now I know this:
Of course, love will find you again. This time, the butterflies are present but they are different. He doesn’t sweep you off your feet, you aren’t a nervous wreck when you see him from across the street. Instead, he brings you peace. When you are with him you feel as calm as you’ve never felt before. Like everything is falling into place but you don’t even have to try. You are no longer leaning on him for direction, you are directing this together. You are no longer throwing yourself at him, begging for him to fix you. You have your sharp edges, just as he does. You have your flaws, just as he has his. But you’re in this together. You’re both finding yourself through each other. You’re helping each other on this great journey and it’s always an adventure together. You wonder if this is what love is supposed to feel like. You no longer love wrecklessly, but purposefully.
source: “This is how love changes throughout your life” – Art Parasites
“Best laid plans sometimes are just a one night stand”
That’s one of the funny things about life. You plan on something, only to have another thing come along. Before you know it, what you had in mind falls apart and splinters into a thousand different things. It’s like finding out for the first time that the world is not as sane and safe as you thought when you were little. But then I have also learned that that’s another beauty of life: Growing from these unforeseen moments, however reluctant or resistant we are. I guess the trick is to just accept them as they are, make the best of what you have and what’s around, charge it to experience, and then carry on with your life. The world didn’t collapse when things didn’t go as planned. You didn’t just shrivel up and die when someone left you. There’s still a lot (A LOT) for you to discover and experience if you start walking again.
“Yesterday I saw a lion kiss a deer
Turn the page, maybe we’ll find a brand new ending”
And that, folks, is the crux of this whole post. Anything is possible, but don’t forget to bring a survival kit for this conundrum called Life. What are the essentials in the survival kit you ask? Well, I stashed courage and strength in mine. Sense of humor, too. You need to savor laughter. You need to find the humor in situations, otherwise you’ll die of seriousness. Or you’ll turn as sour and dour as that old, unmarried aunt who lives across the street from you. The one with the hundred cats. Going back to the survival kit: There’s also faith and love, honesty and truth. There are no maps, no hard and fast rule in this tricky thing called Life. But you’ve got yourself and your gut instinct, you heart, mind, and soul. Start living your life, one foot in front of the other. You may hesitate and stop at some point. That’s fine. Rest and recuperate. Cry if you must. But keep on going. There’s still a lot left to learn and people to know and love.
(P.S. Keep this song running in the background, which inspired the title of this post.)