All that you lack

I'M WHAT YOU'RE FEELING

And I am back, folks! I thought my absence would only take a week but there was so much going on that I got lost in all of it, heart, mind, body, soul, and even money sometimes. Also? I may or may not have been guilty of not replying at all to a few messages sent my way. What? There is only so much my poor little body can do. And speaking of doing… and bodies…

It’s that time of the year again: Going to a beach. This means sand, sea, sun, and swimwear. And sunblock. And sleep. It’s going to be a team event, so it’s not really a vacation. With that said, I doubt I’ll have as much time as I want to when it comes to swimming. So my guess is that I’ll just dip my toes in the water or laze under the sun while the rest of my teammates are fast asleep. Either way, know this: I’ll be wearing a bikini. “Why did this crazy blogger even bring that up?” You ask yourself. And I’m glad you asked because this is a topic that has been gnawing at my brain sometimes, when I really think about it.

So. Bikini. When that word pops in my head, other words string immediately behind it: bikini body, Victoria’s Secret models, thigh gaps, curves, flawless skin, big boobs, big butt. The list goes on and on and on and it’s foolish, but I get worried. I get worried because I know my body will never look as good. And while it’s far from being magazine cover worthy, I’d hate to slap it in Photoshop and do some “adjustments” so I’d look good in social media. I get worried about the way I look in a bikini that I always use cover ups whenever I’m in the beach. Once I’m in the water, that’s the only time I’ll get rid of my cover up. The one time — the only time — I dared walk around the beach in nothing but a bikini was back in December. But that was only because I was still coping with the news of my father’s cancer and the last thing on my mind was how I looked. But then…

I have been looking at myself in the mirror that past few weeks. Not out of vanity but more of scrutiny. And somewhere along those glimpses and full-on staring at my body, I have finally accepted everything about it, flaws and all. And I was surprised with what happened when I did. I suddenly gained some confidence. I stopped worrying about the things that I cannot change. I started being grateful for everything that I have. I am still a far cry from strutting around in a bikini, not feeling self-conscious AT ALL. But I am glad that at least now, I do not feel inferior about my body. It made me realize that I am the only one who has been putting restrictions and limits to myself. I have been so worried and conscious of what those around me will think that I have disregarded my own self in some ways. Don’t ever do that, guys. Feel good about yourself. Stop putting others’ opinions first. Own your body. Be lit from the inside. Sure, we have different body types. But should that stop us from feeling good about our bodies, from feeling comfortable in our own skin?

Insecurity is an ugly monster that rears its head at times when we least need or even want it. We need to fight that monster. We need to look at ourselves in the mirror and allow space for acceptance and courage. Acceptance of everything that we are. Courage to continue being what we are without feeling ashamed or insecure because we think we don’t look good enough or that we are simply not enough.

Summer in this side of the world is about to end but I need to do one thing before it does. And when I do, maybe I’ll have the guts to show it. (Hello, social media!) But even if I don’t, I’ll know that at one point in my life, I was able to beat my fears and insecurities. And if I don’t show it, please take comfort in the fact that I have spared you from at least one nightmare in your life. 😉

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